What do I want for this year above all else? The year that will mark my 60th in the spring, that feels shocking to even write, let alone accept could be possible. There is no mistake when I consistently say that I am celebrating my 18th, transposing the date of my birthday with the age, a Freudian slip that has such meaning. How do I now consolidate it all, the years of disembodiment where I wasn’t present let alone ‘home’ or with any sense of real self? How do I move into the present, come into much more sovereignty and eldership letting go of the past, the apology for my existence, this feminine legacy? Somehow even though it’s not part of any specific goals I’m setting for the New Year, I know the shift is already taking place as I let go and surrender. It’s a kind of distillation process, extremely painful yes, but also joyful and exciting as I connect to my spirit and begin to get wafts of the incredible perfume in the air. So this brings me to my FOUR words for this year allowing them to slip in seamlessly as I free flow write. So here it goes…… ACCEPTANCE of myself and of ‘what is’. Coming out of the black and white, this essentially male paradigm of good and bad or light and dark that has kept me imprisoned and on a treadmill. Trusting and surrendering to this dance of opposites, seeing magically how Kali, the Dark Mother informs and saves me over and over, as she continues to destroy and eradicate that which does not serve. Accepting this last year which was full of shocks as it was necessary to face deeper realities that needed addressing. Seeing the bigger picture and accepting the teaching instead of allowing the normal critic annihilation. Acceptance as the opposite of resistance which is suffering itself. And then GRACEFULNESS like the olive trees that are fluid, soft and beautiful. Within this word is a sense of ease, of the rightness of things. Olives are strong and hardy, they can live for months out of the earth and still survive and yet, there is something soft and yielding about them, the way their leaves shimmer with a silver green, catching the light and almost dancing. What is the difference with this word to the word Grace? It’s something about how I choose to live my life, as opposed to how grace might come in from the outside. Something about my place in the grand scheme of things, our divine birth-right. This sovereignty and sense of self that is not arrogant and dominant or self deprecating and apologetic but stands radiating in that wholeness. Mary Oliver’s geese poem comes to mind. So, as I tune into my place in the grand scheme of things with this word gracefulness, LIGHT-HEARTEDNESS now comes to mind, so I’ll go with the word. My heart has been very heavy for a very long time, grief that has felt absolutely unbearable and shattering. I’m coming out of the underworld, shedding my cocoon at last. It’s time to lighten up, to laugh more. Time to trust to the magic and miracles that is happening so often rendering me speechless, letting go of the past and trusting to a new future. And finally as I feel my heart opening with this energy, to give permission for an extra word since normally it’s only three….to BEAUTY because of how it opens my heart, like having a glimpse of creation itself, the awe that leaves me catching my breath. It’s time for me to allow beauty inside, to dare to come into this intimate relationship with the Beloved. It’s time to source my life from this place of devotion, instead of surviving from trauma with snatches of beauty, like grabbing a quick breath in panic. To see beauty everywhere. To source my life from this place, this fundamental truth that is not separate from me, if I dare to shine my beauty and accept the true nature of my existence.
0 Comments
|
Categories |