When researching Panchakarma healing for M.E. sufferers back in 2015, I came across this quote from one USA specialist that matches my own experience. “Chronic Fatigue Syndrome may often be a metaphor for an inability, rooted in childhood abuse, to tap the abundant cosmic energies. He said that gradually his patient was able to give herself the nurturance she did not receive from her mother. I am being more vigilant when I abandon my inner child, pushing down my vulnerability noticing how I’m needing self compassion and acceptance. When I’m missing my need for this sweetness, when I’m scared and pumping sugar or adrenaline out of this fear, choosing counterfeit options like chocolate or wine, sharing with inappropriate people and not asking for support from trusted and safe friends, this is when my Insulin Resistance symptoms would get really bad. I’m grateful for important wisdom about healing leaky gut as priority, upping protein especially at breakfast, reducing carbs and grains generally, watching sugar intake and more particularly that GTF Chromium unlocks the cells that are resistant to allow in the sugar. GTF stands for Glucose Tolerance Factor. This is something everyone needs to know, diabetics and other sufferers as the GTF Chromium link is nothing short of a miracle. Truly. But and this is important to me, I’m not blind to the metaphor of how difficult it is for me to ask for help and allow in sweetness to every cell in my body. It is all inter-linked as Louise Hay so clearly states. The physical condition and symptoms are very real and the cells do literally resist the glucose which is why it is aptly named Insulin Resistance. The question is why? For me, it is clearly the lack of trust and terror that is bound up in the shock and trauma in my body, in my dis-regulated nervous system that is hyper vigilant, and that when triggered I need to love and especially take care of. Sometimes this is really difficult as I'm triggered with pre-verbal abuse issues and the feedback is at a somatic and sensory level where I cannot ask for help. Sometimes it is literally necessary to go under the bedclothes with my teddybear and practice gentle, slow breathing as I clutch 'Ruggles' for dear life and give this tender infant some precious holding. This is the nourishing inner mothering and self soothing that I am continuing to learn step by step, not having experienced it in my own life. So, do I choose unconsciously a habitual repeat of the self abuse and abandonment or do I consciously notice and bring a shift to self compassion and tenderness? Do I reach out or isolate and manage shame bound and alone? Do I imagine myself as a tiny child feeling overwhelmed and come in with a loving mother response, or do I ignore and push her into the corner until she pulls herself together? Do I notice my own inner brutal mother, this repeat pattern? When do I remember to cherish my inner child and when do I secretly shame and belittle her to stop being such a pain in the neck? When I would get the warning signals and symptoms around my eyes, dizziness where I lose my balance and strong sensations of being thirsty which happens in seconds, I am seeing how it’s a message to also be vigilant around any vulnerability I’m not addressing. I have to deal with the physical issue first as it's not a question of 'pulling myself together' when I start behaving erratically and getting bossy and extremely anxious, my body signals warn me fast and furiously that I don't have sufficient sugar which is dangerous. It feels like I'm dying and going to pass out fairly soon so it's essential to have something suitable and nearby to eat in case of such a scenario. However, usually it's a sign to check in with what is happening at a deeper and more subtle level in my body, where I have also been overriding important signals or not taking sufficient care in how I'm eating. I've learnt to listen really carefully to this exquisitely sensitive part of me who misses nothing she is so tuned in. The triggers that are so easy to miss but that can throw me (and all of us) into a shame spiral in seconds without even realising. When I am ignoring my feelings and needs, not noticing the sensory signals and sensations of where I’ve been triggered, I can easily disassociate and go out of my body as a survival mechanism, moving to the chocolate cupboard or suddenly getting busy and distracted. As an abuse survivor, I’m great with coping strategies and what needs to happen, but I’m seeing how this just fills up the myriad of holes while the boat is still sinking. We are all doing this, losing connection, finding convenient distractions to avoid being with ourselves. As women we are programmed to override our feminine intuition and knowing, the un-manifested that is not logical or linear. Somehow, I need to come back my body, which when you are experiencing the buzz and terror of blood sugar lows and highs is no easy feat. It’s terrifying and yet slowing everything down with the breath and being present is the only thing to do because otherwise you are pumping more and more sugar into an already overloaded system. It’s a great training and it’s brutal grace to call me ‘home’ to my body and myself. I am not ignoring the Kali wake up call anymore, ‘enough is enough’. The Insulin Resistant symptoms as horrific as they were, used to last for up to seven hours at a time and left me wrecked in the mornings with fatigue and depression, it was a self destructive cycle. I did have to deal with the physical aspects of this but to heal the deeper pattern I have learnt to bring in more sweetness, nourishment, self acceptance and self compassion. So yes I agree with this healer's comment. Blood sugar issues are a reminder for me to re-connect to the abundant cosmic energies that I am a part of. It’s a reminder to return back to my Temple, my earthly body which is a part of all this. A reminder to be sweet to myself. Only then can I take this wisdom and love out into the world.
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