WHAT IS YOUR SPIRITUAL COCAINE? Einstein said there was only one important question to ever ask : ‘do you believe the world is a safe place or not?’ And linked to this, Caroline Myss reassured me in a recent talk with Andrew Harvey, that it’s ok to admit to being human, praying simply and truthfully: ‘Hover over me God/Goddess, I’m about to do something stupid. I’m tired of myself, I’m my own worst enemy but I’m going to show up. Help me to have the strength and fortitude to clear this self loathing”. Myss continued to say that since the sacred has been decimated in our modern world, we need to first invite people into discipline, which will eventually lead to devotion. That one moment is enough, this spiritual cocaine that can be so profound, just a taste is to be permanently addicted as you recognise the power of truth. She asks why we are more comfortable with skepticism, focussing always on what doesn’t work and why it is so difficult to devote ourselves to the Mystery? And I am reminded of my A.C.A. 12 step days some years ago and how we were asked to choose between two doors, one marked ‘Heaven’ and one marked ‘Discussion on Heaven’. Back then, running for my life with symptoms of PTSD albeit unknown then, I chose the safest option, the discussion door. I didn’t trust at all for good reason. And, I needed those years of discussion to find myself, I was so split off and far from home. Now, thank the Goddess, I’m hovering with one foot at the threshold, a little more embodied and daring to open the other door marked Heaven. I’m learning what this devotion really is - that as Myss says, is like a holy portal, sacred balm, silence that contains grace and is soothing and renewing. So –what is your spiritual cocaine, your sacred narcotic? What is your discipline be it contemplative prayer, walking the dogs or wild Shakti dancing? What are the moments that impregnate and shows you that magic and miracles exist in this call and response universe? I get wonderful white feathers that float down at the perfect moment after I’ve been in a ritual ceremony as further confirmation of my sacred alignment. It’s like feeling the Goddess right by my side, that I’m not alone, trusting the synchronistic messages and signs that come my way on a regular basis mirroring my reality. Making up simple chants on my harmonium to the mystic words of Rumi or Hafiz and reading poetry is a new and very welcome discipline that leads me quickly into devotion. And, my precious dogs are a constant reminder for me to wake up, they are so in tune with what matters, it’s humbling to receive the daily gifts they shower on me come rain or sun. My way to God has also been to navigate the banished underworld embracing the Black Goddess and Kali, excavating shadow to become a clearer vessel, facing reality and family ancestral secrets full on to find that angels really do exist. Not in the places I had expected but turning up nevertheless. Teresa of Avila the great female mystic said, we need to ‘drain our own swamp’, this ‘inner reptile’ and reminding us that prayer is a huge key to this shadow healing. It’s not an easy path or for the faint-hearted and few choose to go there, but in the dark of course, you see the light very clearly, you cannot be deceived. The Mystics like John of the Cross and Avila knew only too well what was demanded by truly entering the Dark Nights of the Soul. It’s about navigating one’s own demons, looking at ourselves in the mirror, coming back into embodiment and praying to be alleviated of self loathing and ghostly shame imprints that feel like a familiar yet toxic, second skin. It’s about honouring the hidden atrocities and untold ancestral stories that need a voice as they insidiously pass down the lineage, so that with compassion, mercy and grace, full healing and release can happen, freeing up generations before and after. What really does it for you, brings you home to yourself, to the One, maybe gives you that ultimate high? What is your portal to something bigger than yourself, that it is benevolent and on your side? I need to say here, I’m not talking about counterfeit spirituality, all those distractions and illusions in our materialistic world that encourage us to seek instant gratification through shopping, the internet or comfort eating. And I’m not talking about the New Age narcissism of focussing solely on love and light or the self improvement and growth work that I have also been addicted to in my self absorption and desperate search for redemption. I’m talking about divine grace as the antidote that comes unbidden when you least expect it and leaves you speechless. I’m talking about giving up our gripping control and arrogant thinking that we can do a better job. This perfume that goes the distance. This sacred sweetness of silence, the whisper of the Beloved however it comes or speaks to you. Human or other worldly. Imminent or transcendent. It’s all the same in its myriad of forms. So, what does sustain you in the middle of the night all alone, connects you to the unexplainable mystery when you are desperate to your core? What nourishes you when your heart is heavy with the agonies and despair of our current world? What leaves you speechless in awe and wonder strengthening your heart with joy? What gives you the stamina to withstand your interior spiritual self, to stay true to yourself even when the rest of the world fails you? What generates a power within you so that you can stand as a sacred activist in the ultimate minutes before midnight? I would love to hear about your stories of alchemy, how you were forged from base metal into gold? Stories of hope and faith. Mystical moments changing you forever? Animal and spirit helpers coming to your aid? Car number plates giving you unbelievably clear guidance. Things that have blown you away, that make no sense but make you bow down with gratitude and awe as you find yourself able to take just one more step in this insane and yet so tenderly, beautiful world? I’ll tell you mine if you will tell me yours? I must go as my dog Chammy, my greatest teacher, is playing footsie and that’s a good reminder that time is up…….she knows a walk is more important for both of us.
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I want to be home made orgasmic 80% dark chocolate, offered as a delicacy, one piece at a time with the honour and devotion that I deserve. To be adored by so many women salivating all over the globe, to come into this intimate union, feeling the influence I have on them as they just take one look at me. Some are undone and seduced with one glance and I know they are all too ready to rip off their clothes and make passionate love to me in that moment. Some savour me ever so slowly letting me surrender my nectar into their mouths, dropping a little further into their bodies and feeling the gratitude of being met so deeply. All the while I am at the mercy of a sensual cascade of reactions that allows us into this melted and sacred marriage that cannot be undone”.
I want to be an olive tree, ancient and strong, welcoming my annual pruning of wayward branches that do not serve my growth and in particular cutting down the masculine ones that nakedly and brazenly reach for the sky. How wonderful it is that my loved ones know exactly what is good for me, I can simply stand, majestically rooted, and put all my energies into the feminine, low hanging branches, so that as a welcome favour in return, my heavy laden skirt, drips nectar filled olives for an easy harvest.
Containment affords such
Sense of safety Inside my skin This secret boundary I never knew Was my birth-right This holy temple With innate sensations Pregnant body wisdom Birthing intuitive ‘knowing’ Unique, precious autonomy That is completely And utterly mine Belonging to no-one Programmed so young Plundered too often Deferring to others Conforming as norm Split off, fragmented Years of therapy Showing me otherwise Healing shattered boundaries Offering new options Ways to live Where I am A free spirit This ‘divine child’ Finally given permission Is it spiritual Along the way Dare I admit This core phrase That spoke itself Voice deep within Screaming for freedom Setting strong limits And swearing allegiance To personal power And absolute sovereignty Saying with clarity: ‘This dragon’s fire Fucking burns anyone Who dares invade My private space’ So……….. Who am I Beneath these masks Mouse or dragon? What is left When without words Inauthentic but polished Layers of conditioning Are finally removed And I’m left Empty and alone Wondering what happened Shocks hitting home Facing painful reality? Mother’s Empty Womb Of pure possibility It may be…. But often feels Like pure hell Kali’s fierce love Taking no prisoners Do you know That perfectionist achievers And apparently polarised Imploded, broken souls From personal experience Mostly without fail Present unconscious masks Covering toxic shame Unaware of punishing Brutal inner critics That slowly destroy The will to Keep on trying To even bother To be accepted By the family? Maybe it’s true Our sacred practices Are all that Ever really holds Us safely from Birth to death This inner space Great Mother’s embrace I don’t doubt But I notice As a woman Tender and fragile This Shakti unfolding I also need Nourishing, solid containers With fellow sisters Sometimes also brothers Willingly saying yes Despite being burned Again and again These Facebook groups Like Artist’s Awakening Offering reassuring community With clear guidance Familiar resonant souls Transparent and open Sharing deep vulnerability Reflecting a vital Sense of ‘mattering’ This holding space Giving me place No longer treated As a belonging This fundamental, welcome Sense of belonging SHE as the Feminine who was Vandalised and destroyed But never beaten SHE who comes In different disguises With heart intact Sacred or profane Beckoning ‘come closer’ SHE who is Protective and Tender Saying Please Surrender I will hold Your desperate longings And sprinkle them With magic dust Inspiring new visions And miracle outcomes This Golden Chalice Of embodied awakening Honouring the shadow As artistic gasoline Igniting co-creative dreams Emblazoning the world This Rising Phoenix Arising from ashes Longing for love Brave new paradigm Devoted to birthing Heaven on Earth and ever-growing Networks of grace |
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