She would never be the same again after that moment when her body collapsed while food shopping at Waitrose. Her world fundamentally changed in one second flat. She had always assumed she was indestructible, a real life superwoman and armed with this egotistical and childish belief, she could easily live life as the eternal optimist and cheerleader. But this time, there was no escape. The safety bubble had truly burst as she found herself completely paralysed and unable to move at the checkout desk. Terror flooded her system and everything went blank. Time stood still. What was happening to her? Seconds before, she had been rushing around the supermarket aisles in her normally super efficient and speedy manner. Now she was utterly helpless, being carried outside by startled employees and taken home by a kind person who she vaguely recognised. Once inside her house, she dialled up her mother’s number. It was an immediate decision, one of those rare moments when she knew she could not cope alone. By some act of grace, her mother answered the phone. “Mum, something terrible has happened. I’m so scared, please help me. My body has collapsed and I can’t move at all. The kids are due home soon and I can’t look after them. Can you please come over straight away, it’s really urgent”. That was the start of a long and devastatingly, painful journey. A journey for eight years where she would search for pieces of the jigsaw that might restore her back to health. Her mother pretty much moved in for two years during the week and became the all singing, all dancing superstar grandmother while her daughter lay languishing, helpless in bed. At the outset, she had been valiant and brave, maintaining her stoic front, but this was mostly because she was utterly unaware of the seriousness of her condition and naively believed it was just a matter of weeks or months before she would be fighting fit again. Partly, it was because she didn’t dare to consider that she was now totally dependent on everyone else, something she couldn’t contemplate on any level. How was she to know that every organ in her system was choking to death from toxic overwhelm? Although she recognised her health had been going down hill for the last year, only a few weeks earlier, she had had a gym assessment which pronounced her relatively fit and healthy. None of it made any sense at all. She didn’t understand any of this until a few months later when as a result of a doctor’s visit, she had decided to visit an iridologist since conventional medicine had offered no advice or help. The female doctor, kind as she was, had visited her in bed and in an apologetic and pitying voice had said “I’m sorry Mrs Knight, there’s nothing the medical profession can do for you, except to offer anti-depressants”. She had been stunned by this response, desperate to hear some hope in the doctor’s words, some solution that could be fixed with a few white pills. “What do you mean, you can’t help me”, she asked in a desperate tone of voice, “I don’t want anti-depressants. I want to walk again and get out of bed so I can look after my children. That’s the only reason I’m not cheerful and happy. Would you be?” The doctor left her struggling to accept this unbelievable news. Her world was one of believing in happy endings and illusions. She had an idealistic vision of life where in worshipping false gods, she had maintained a child like view of the world being safe. A fear based world where parents, doctors, teachers and politicians were the answer to any problems she or anyone else might have. She had no idea at this time, that ironically, she had ‘prostituted’ herself to so many false gods that she had crashed, exhausted from the demands and expectations placed on her. How could she know at this stage that M.E. was her body’s way of speaking to her within all her conditioning and that her collapse symbolised the fact that she had really died a long time ago? It took time for her to accept many painful truths and repressed emotions that started to surface and at this early stage in her illness, she could only handle surviving hour by hour and coping with the physical symptoms and day to day problems she experienced. With the stark realisation from the doctor, she spent some time understandably wallowing in self pity, enveloped in the terror that no-one knew what to do. She couldn’t get her head around this unacceptable truth because although she was, on the surface, an incredibly confident and successful woman, deep inside she was really only a small child with no self reference, fearfully dependent and unskilled in ways to protect or look after herself. This occasion was the first of many, many insights. Moments of truth where she realised that she would have to find the solutions herself because the alternative option was unthinkable. The world did not know how to help her with this strange and cruel illness, so she would have to find a way through on her own. She had always been a fighter, even as a little girl and now her courage and optimism shone through like a blazing sun. She would find a way out of this hell. She had to, for the childrens’ sake and for her husband. She couldn’t even tie her daughter’s hair back or cuddle them both, because she was so shattered and in so much pain. Unless she found a solution, it would be better to be dead than exist in this useless, comatose state. Years passed with endless hours of therapy and treatments in a desperate search to find an outside cure. When most of it failed to address the root cause of her illness, she was left with no option but to face herself and her inner demons. There was nowhere else to turn but inwards. In the process, she learnt to re-parent the lost little girl inside her who craved for attention and to reframe her dysfunctional map of reality where she endlessly played out self sabotaging scripts giving out precious energy at every turn. It was a long struggle where she uncovered so much betrayal, surfaced so many dark memories, had so many illusions shattered, that she often unconsciously retreated back to bed, sick from the overwhelm of what she found. But amidst all of the pain and loss, there was one extraordinary moment of grace she would never forget, that kept her going and restored her faith in life, in something bigger than herself. Three years after that fateful day shopping, she was looking for some pine furniture in a shop when she encountered the owner’s large dog called Strider. It was a magical connection where she and this strange looking animal, were totally mesmerised by each other and in a lightning flash she knew she had to have a dog, similar to this one. Unbeknown to her, in one quick act of grace, she was beginning to heal her childhood trauma where every single pet they ever owned, had died an unnatural death. She didn’t yet make the connection, that she was melting some of the ice and resurfacing from the de-sensitisation that had occurred when her mother, had shockingly put down her sweet puppy called Dusty that she absolutely adored, such that returning from school one she was gone. No explanation, no apology. Years later in this pine shop, a miracle healing was taking place like a sweet cosmic joke that was out of her control but so desperately needed.. After much careful research, mostly to appease other people, she found a German Wire Haired puppy in Scotland and had him flown down in a crate from Glasgow, two days before Christmas. Everyone had unanimously agreed to name him Archie although it was a close contender to the name Colonel because of the majestic photograph they had been sent of his father who was a Crufts champion. To outsiders, it seemed a crazy and irresponsible thing to do, but she knew in her heart, intuitively that this puppy was a special piece of her jigsaw sent as a gift from God. She knew, despite resistance from others who questioned her ability to look after and walk such a large dog, that things would work out, if she kept her faith. She had no doubt she was being guided from above, given a special chance to heal and grow with the unconditional love and support of this beautiful, little creature. She was right of course. Archie was the most adorable puppy with the wisest face imaginable. He had silky, dark chocolate coloured fur , gorgeous floppy ears and ridiculously huge paws for his undeveloped body. He came as a gift from heaven for everyone in her family. He helped the children in their painful transition moving from London to Devon and he nurtured and protected her in those dark days when she was alone and very ill after the move. He instinctively knew the days she couldn’t walk and he never ran off into the woods but accepted her hitting the tennis balls in the field where he would dutifully bring them back to her feet so she didn’t have to move. How did he know to do this? What deep communication did they exchange where he knew when she was desperate, such that he would place his big velvety body to rest on her aching legs and rekindle her spirit? Having Archie was not the only answer to healing her long illness but it was the anchor, the guiding force that helped her to trust in life again, to see the bigger picture and to begin slowly to open her heart. More importantly he taught her to trust herself, to listen to the intuitive messages, to her inner voice which was the real and true answer to healing. She wrote a song for him in his honour and called it “Paw prints in my Heart” knowing that the corny title could never really express her deep love and gratitude for the special part he played in her life. ‘PAWPRINTS IN MY HEART’ – Song to Archie I couldn’t have done it without you, I couldn’t have stayed the course You mean everything to me, you’ve been my guiding force You’ve taught me so much, each and every day You kept on showing me, that there is another way ‘Paw-prints in my heart, we will never be apart Paw-prints in my heart, what a great place to start’ (chorus) You’ve shown me how to love, to trust and open my heart You’ve been my faithful friend, on whom I can depend I’m safe in your protection, you push away my fears I’m overwhelmed by your affection, and how you try to stop my tears I know you’re here to teach me, the things that really matter To celebrate your spirit, you’re not here to impress or flatter You inspire me with your teaching, are you sure you’re just a dog I’m convinced you’re my guardian angel, come to release me from the fog Thank you my dear sweet Archie, for sharing so much with me Words can’t express how I love you and how your healing has set me free
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