Years ago, in my forties, I attended a week long Hoffman personal/spiritual growth course in an attempt to support getting my life and health back. This is the story that inspired the poem as written below: On the first day, we are called to a large room to introduce ourselves with an exercise where we each stand in front of the whole group to share something vulnerable we have never told anyone before. I am shocked and it feels way too confronting. I want to run but I'm frozen at the same time knowing I cannot. One man in his forties bravely steps up to face us, dropping into his past memory, wearing his yuppie suit and sporting his badge which says 'Lost Boy'. He suddenly looks so crest fallen and lost, sharing his desperately sad story at age seven being sent away to boarding school. I am mesmerised, so touched by this courageous man daring to be so tender and real, I want to go and hug him but my mind is working overtime. Others quickly follow, all so powerful. I am in hyper anxiety, hugely out of my comfort zone and frantically trying to think of what I might say when it is my turn. I have no story. I am totally blank. There is no escape. My name is called. Holding my breath, somehow I am propelled to step out of my chair as requested. I'm blank and in shock, but as I turn to look at the unfamiliar faces in front of me, a clear memory surfaces out of nowhere, that I have not remembered in thirty years. I seem not to be in control as the flood gates open for this hidden story that I have no idea even exists. The words fall out of my mouth so fast without censorship, despite feeling startled with so many faces staring back at me. Where on earth is this story coming from, who is revealing it after so long? I don't know that this is one of many stories that I have repressed. I don't yet appreciate why I have total amnesia under the age of eleven in my house. I don't yet know that this is why Bob Hoffman has a powerful statement in his marketing material, about how all of us learn to 'put whipped cream over garbage' as a way to survive. I'm simply on auto-pilot with Hoffman safety and permission where somehow, the gag restriction on this particular memory has temporarily been lifted. Time stands still and rushes crazily at the same time, words appearing from nowhere as my story is re-membered and given voice. I can't believe I am sharing the intimate details which I have never told anyone, not even to myself and that I am sharing to a group of complete strangers. But I am. I am in two places at once, back on a train going to Germany at age 14 and here in this room in my forties. Suddenly it's over. I have no more words. I am stunned and I sense that so are all the others because there is a deathly silence in the room. I walk back to my place, shaking and deeply moved. My legs are wobbly just as they were back on the train at age 14. I feel incredibly vulnerable wanting to run and hide as shame kicks in but at the same time, somehow more alive and surprisingly liberated. It's a strangely comforting feeling like I have in the 12 step rooms. I am part of a nourishing community of people wanting to heal, by delving deep into their psyches and I am here, trusting to the resonance, loving acceptance and cohesion already being created. Day one on this Hoffman intense week and I begin to piece together the jigsaw of my life and how I came to normalise one of many violations that took place. I recognise what a powerful medicine it is, to have an enlightened witness or group of empathic souls, who can hear our stories and more importantly how this co-creative field helps us to heal the invisible scars we have all endured. Many years after this Hoffman training at age 58, as a result of going through menopause, I find myself writing this poem below, when encouraged by a friend, to use only three words every line. The issue of my feminine sexuality continues to be a healing topic, as it is for so many of my generation and I want to give voice to the brave shadow work that is necessary, to return back to these exiled, fragmented and lost places within us that are desperately seeking love, deep compassion and reconnection. It is our collective, global awakening and healing on the planet right now to complete these unfinished conversations and so I share this story with gratitude to the Hoffman Process because what I heal in myself, I know I help heal for others. POEM WRITTEN some 10 years later I only remember Travelling to Germany On a train With a friend Fourteen years old Free summer holiday Boy’s school trip Father in charge With no warning And no preparation A sudden shock My body changed What to do? Perhaps I dared To mention this? Innocent young girl Hoping for help So very confused Mother in panic Furtive and rushed Clearly she said In frustrated voice It’s the ‘curse’ Worst thing ever Swimming is impossible We must control This terrible 'problem' You have caused “I know best” She who ruled And dictated from Dark Age parenting Alienated from body Made it clear Who was I To question this? No personal power Boundaries long gone Acting on command My friend mute In the sidelines Frozen and shame-bound I crouched down Rattling train compartment Mirroring body tremors In my ears Silent word ‘pariah’ Contracted and exposed Knickers pulled down With no explanation No kind words She rammed hard Broke my hymen Penetrating hard object “I AM TAMPAX” Harsh internalised patriarchy Mother’s directing hand Stealing my virginity Momentary screaming pain What just happened? Vagina in shock Trauma locks in I have left Wise internal voice Saves my life "Pull yourself together Show no emotions…. Mother knows best" So without choice Stoically zipping up While broken inside I quietly die Yet another death….. One of many I am now Pubescent, young teenager On the outside Able to swim Business as normal On the inside Fragile owner of Clinical white object Phallic and hard Invading my space Done and dusted Devoid of love Matching my own Sense of objectification Disembodied, sterile, dry Compliant and conforming Bleeding from inside Body and soul Stark initiation recall Implicit cellular memories Body sensations that Haunt me still My body remembers New found womanhood Midst sanitised shame Rejected body fluids Bruised and defiled Without honouring ritual It's so clear I’m not immune To ancestral legacy Hidden epigenetic trauma Teaching body hatred These ghostly imprints Passed down through Generations of shame Toxic masculine programming Driven patriarchy and Demonic religious agendas Attempting soul murder Silently brainwashing and Disinfecting feminine wisdom Creating anaesthetised, disembodied Sweet, immature maidens Performing in stilettos Taming our wildness Pleasure as forbidden Controlling this life-force Potent womb power\ Blamed yet again Oh but now…. Everything is changing You buried us Forgetting we're seeds You blamed us As dirty whores It didn't work We are forged In the darkness In Mother's womb We are rising With fierce compassion Across the globe Dragon's fire blazing Mothers and daughters Sisters in circle Reclaiming our dignity Honouring our rights/rites Holy sacred warriors Emissaries of light Resilient, fully prepared Prophetic destiny assured
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What of my life that I should sink so low
Anaesthetised victim in a puppet show Parents and society condoning the whole game Illusion and denial so no-one’s to blame Programmed as a child to have no rights, and no vice Defenceless, numbed out, a vampire’s paradise Predators feeding ground, no questions asked Programmed to be perfect, any weakness tightly masked Betrayal by the ones who are supposed to care Caught up in pretences and the masks they wear A spiritual vacuum where stoicism rules Creating emotional cripples and unaware fools So what of your dreams, golden girl Why did they never have a chance to unfurl No space to breathe, the puppet strings too tight Worshipping false gods, no energy to fight A life of ‘burn out’, of being hyper alert Of people pleasing so no-one gets hurt Covering dysfunction and hidden shame A disembodied superwoman seeking family fame Truth’s my freedom, stoicism’s a lie Being ‘indifferent to suffering’ one might as well die I must face my past and open my heart Dare to receive as the first place to start But I cling to old patterns, to familiar masks I’m unsure of a life without endless tasks I’m in rage and mourning for the loss of myself And for the price I paid in losing my health I’m addicted to suffering and achieving the best I need constant reminding that life’s not a test If I’m invaded or threatened, I forget there’s a choice And I abandon myself by losing my voice But something amazing occurs when I’m authentic and real Deep emotions surface, my body can heal The child is heard, is blessed and supported Courageous efforts, no longer are thwarted I’m regaining my spirit with a different set of rules A new family of affiliation and some trusted tools I’m repairing fences, building strong boundaries of my own Re-parenting that child so she can be fully grown My body’s no longer an enemy to be fought In listening to its pain, I’ve learnt what it’s taught Fool’s gold is true because real gold exists Is available to those with the courage to persist I seek others with integrity who search like me Confronting denials in an effort to be free In this safety and honesty, I melt some of the ice Know with certainty, I must expose the word ‘nice’ I thank M.E. for the bridge across my sorrows For a chance to really live for all my tomorrows For the experience of joy and the presence of grace And for connecting to others, face to face Stranded in limbo
Between the worlds We exist again Night after night Returning to You Intermingling as one Surrendered in presence Floating cosmic womb This precarious safety Which on waking Abruptly is gone My precious secret Alone in this Raw empty shell Every morning this Aching heavy heart Sorrow that burns Penetrates my lungs Gasping for air Will you leave Again and again? I can’t bear This endless loss That wreaks havoc Quietly smouldering while Blood drains away Why did you Show me naked What love is Only to tear Me to pieces Left all alone Only with memories Of your touch Blissful umbilical union Never to return Sweet unblemished love In the night Living as two Merged as One Entwined in embrace Delicious safe surrender Mine to hold In the day Dead as one Grasping for you Feeling so lost Bereft and confused Split in half Violent crude separation I’m ready to die, delicious surrender To rest in the arms of the Beloved In a peace so enveloping Embracing and expansive Nourishing and welcome Such a long hard fight Weary to my bones, broken hearted Long years searching in vain For a treasure that did not exist Outside of my own domain If only I had known this before It seems so futile to see this now Too late to change the outcome Blind patterns set in destiny Waiting to be welcomed home Intense fluttering, butterflies seek their rightful place
Another ‘mourning’ beckons, stares me straight in the face Breathing deeply as shock kicks in on first waking Knowing in death there is bliss, no suffering, no faking Boulders pressing down on a sad, heavy chest Anxiety too strong, never allowing for rest Airways restricted, breath barely passing through I must speak the truth, the mundane and the taboo Is this a dread of waking or the thrill of life itself? The dark combination of meeting in this void? Haunting memories of a loss too painful to mention A body crippled from trauma and life long tension Four breaths in – pause, four breaths out – pause The safety afforded by these habitual doors Don’t stop and contract, shutting down to survive You must remember the breathing, the choice to thrive There’s no easy explanation for a grief this deep No answers, quick fixes, promises you can keep Reality can be stark, relenting and brutal Strategies help sustain but in the end are futile As I stay closely aligned to the salvation of breath There is no denying that it’s HIS – not my death Twin souls and bodies entangled and entwined Life and death, in this tender and precious double bind Radical, piercing heartbreak
Ripped wide apart Pleading for salvation Kali’s fierce love Uninvited, brutal grace Controls all gone Sluice gates open Expansive dark chasm Do you have? Courage to dare Give up hope Could you face? Being here now Stark present reality On bended knees Begging for mercy The Goddess smiles For She is You Your Sacred Heart Cosmic Mother Womb Pure potentiality awaits Unexpected, welcome miracle Coming from surrender Gaping black canvas Hiding dark secrets Banished barren tomb Places long forgotten Memories bleached away Waters that bleed I’ve been here Quietly, stoically here I’ve not forgotten You forgot me They told lies Packaged you up Dressed in smiles Playing their games Forgetting your flesh Far from your core Selling your soul But I exist Pressurized birthing space Beneath broken dreams And shattered promises Darkened by loss Carved by time And submerged reminders Of stolen innocence Deep, unfathomable dungeon Speaking in tongues Woven in fabric Delicate , precious strands I bore kids Birth without presence Invisible wet womb Beautiful kids both I did this Never too late Here, arrive now Listen to me Rest a while With no distraction Soften the folds Welcome the juices Command your birth-right Reclaims what’s yours Innocent erotic nature Please, please return Back to me Offer your blessed Grace and mercy Down here please Neglected, empty, alone ‘Re-member’ me now While you can My sacred space Womb heart wisdom Potent feminine cauldron Shakti ecstatic portal Yours to keep Always close by It's your choice Don’t fall asleep Please……. not again Helpless infant duped with perilous smiles
Paralysing immobility from all that defiles Candyfloss predators, dressed up in peril Instinctual loss, of all that was feral Body parts teased with mischievous intention Masked agendas with conditional attention Crumbs of affection, self serving agendas Pre-verbal abuse, a body that remembers So you’ve taken what you needed Plundered and devoured While I remain hollow, lost and cowered You silently stole - your Vampire’s paradise The baby confused, holding ancestral vice Locked in patterns of self disgust and loathing Worshipping wolves dressed up in sheep’s clothing Imploded grief, terror and rage Paralysed, helpless , trapped in a cage Choked, disgusted dripping with shame Voiceless, gagged, holding all the blame Stranded and putrid, infected by semen Will I ever be free of this Inner Demon? So I won’t trust your sweetness, the Narcissistic seduction I’ll give first attention to cellular eruption To body signals, ingenious sensations Trusting my Temple, its glorious compensations I’m here in my body, antennae finely tuned Learned responses from being well groomed I reconnect to my ‘truth teller’, to my breath and to Home My testament, well endured, MY Sovereign Throne Such a welcome visitor from a distant shore Where have you been midst frantic chores Still, expansive, calm and assured The all knowing presence – God’s spacious reward You are the observer, embodied and whole Wise and intelligent, cosmic, aware soul Alive, vibrating, formless and freeing Re-birthing back, to limitless being You are the truth, the one that’s connected The ease, the pleasure, all loving and protected The one that surrenders, allows and unfolds Stay with me, play with me, ‘till we grow old How insane the world that celebrates form Keeping us trapped in mind as the norm You say very little, think no thought But when I’m with you, I’ve everything I sought She flies free now releasing all pain and suffering
Courage to endure beyond safe holding Only I know what she gave, how bravely she fought Only I am blessed by her very existence, her pure heart For I would not be without her, without her constancy Without her knowing, her tenderness, her belief in the way I am her brave heart, the soldered battered heart That she always believed in, always stayed true She may seem to have failed but don’t believe a word of it The sacred heart battle is forged in the darkness Out of the limelight, quietly working With only a flickering candle to light the way Never underestimate the heart’s way, the power of love The sensitive unfolding that drips slowly onto hardened stone And eventually cracks open the compassion That has been waiting patiently in the dark corner Waiting to blind you with its illumination That by its very presence shatters the illusion And forges a new path, grace that unfolds The alchemy of love that has no teachers but itself Groping Hands, Sinking Sands
Lecherous Stares, Blinding flares Smothering Lips, Cramping Zips Swollen Cocks, Sexual Blocks Mangled Toes, Powerless No’s Invasive Eyes, Probing Spies Clammy Palms, Intensive Farms Enveloping Fat, Is It This or That? Deformed Limbs, Dirge Like Hymns Gagging Smells, Black Magic Spells Intermittent Snores, Blocked Pores Asthmatic Wheezing, Pornographic Sleazing Sucking Parasites, Biting Bed Mites Crawling Ants, Constricting Pants Vampires Hold, Biting Cold Constricted Spaces, Crowded Places Windowless Rooms, Pregnant Wombs Raging Storms, Boundary-less Forms Choking weeds, Force Feeds Pitch Black, Panic Attack Stagnant Water, Cancerous Aorta Relentless rain, Agonising Pain Jammed Locks, Stinking Socks Vaginal forceps, Tight Corsets Telesales Home Calls, Concrete Shopping Malls Haunting Nightmares, Piercing Stares Restricted Exits, Overflowing Cesspits Shared Beds, Migraine Heads Suffocating Mothers, Obsessive Lovers Uninvited Guests, Enormous Sized Breasts Chronic Fixers, Seductive Elixirs Inauthentic Friends, Predictive trends Interrogating Questions, Provocative Suggestions Rigid Controls, Bottomless Holes Punitive Rules, Torturing Tools Fascist Causes, Embarrassing Pauses Childish Power games, Cholesterol Filled Veins Totalitarian Regimes, Frozen Screams Conspiracy Theories, Judgmental Queries Being Defined, Wheelchair Confined Dependent Behaviours, Manipulative Favours Suppressed Rage, Gilded Cage Blocked Expression, Childhood Repression Victim Terror, Perfectionist Error Black Depression, Women’s Oppression Paralysing Fear, Campaign of Smear Mortifying Shame, Obsessive Fame Inflexible Thinking, Addictive Drinking Overwhelming Neediness, Gluttonish Greediness Unplugged Power, Compliments Shower Invalidating Thoughts, A Life Out of Sorts Incessant Chatter, Do I Really Matter? Invasive chemicals, hazardous waste
In our home, gardens and foods that we taste Toxic combinations causing havoc to our bodies Poly- pharmacy, petrochemicals, these are our hobbies Pharmaceutical monsters now lead the way Most of us guinea pigs without any say Insidious pollution slowly destroying our health So the deadly giants can build up more wealth They irradiate our foods calling it electronic pasteurisation Give us no choice in mass fluoridation Then we frazzle our brains with mobile phones And eat processed foods micro-waved in our homes Aluminium, mercury, lead and arsenic Hidden chemicals silently poisoning us to be sick Add MSG, pure white and brain deadly A dangerous cocktail, a carcinogenic medley Artificial preservatives, colours and flavours Vaccinations that do our children no favours Pesticides, Herbicides, Insecticides too Add genetic fiddling and we’re junked through and through There’s no difference wearing perfume to sniffing glue Sodium Laurel Sulphate I’d rather use down the loo If I put moisturiser on my skin, it has to be good enough to eat And if I’m craving something sweet, Green and Black's the only treat So yes, I filter my water and eat organic foods I’m passionate about nutrition and balancing my moods I take essential fatty acids to supplement my diet Magnesium and B vitamins so I’m stress free and quiet You can say I’m obsessed about freedom of choice But I want natural medicines to have a real voice It’s invasive chemicals that are our environmental plague Wake up to the truth – it doesn’t pay to be vague I don’t want to go where there’s no-one I know I don’t want to be where there is only me I’m scared of the silence, of the void inside So I’ve looked outside where I’ve tried and tried My body’s exhausted, my emotions are raw I’m tired of the fight, my mind says no more Give me the strength, ,the courage to be brave It’s time to stop treating myself like a slave Please help me to see that I’m not alone That I really don’t have to be on my own Help me to find that place of surrender Where I can truly be held, so strong and tender It’s time for the silence, to face the dark place It’s time to stop talking, trying not to lose face It’s time to start listening to the voice within Thank you dear spirit, you never gave in In the mines Sweet yellow canary Tiny song bird So acutely sensitive Suffers toxic gas Menacingly quick poison And rarely honoured Sacrificed for others Dies as martyr Un-integrated shadow From ancestral legacy Dark, implicit secrets Like seeping gas Infect open channels Burning the landscape Desecrating the feminine Fascia, skin, cells Abruptly ripped open Energetic ghost imprints Scarred ancient wisdom Shadows ever darkening Hidden in crevices Gasping for breath Shame in disguise Ancestors calling forward Begging for forgiveness Honouring and understanding Welcome HER home Visceral collective memories Vandalised sacred sites Angels, demons alike Inherent fluid wisdom The Sovereign Queen Dormant never broken Years of apprenticeship Returning in glory Reclaiming HER body Giving up martyrdom Honouring chosen karma Bringing back authority Tender and potent Flapping HER wings Sweet yellow canary Breathing freely again Singing HER song Compassion is the Medicine :
To accept the unacceptable To satiate the insatiable To speak the unspeakable To believe the unbelievable To bear the unbearable And to own the disowned. A sanctuary and a resting place To redeem the unredeemable I’m asleep, brainwashed, easy to control
I’m on autopilot like a robot with no soul If I’m numbed out, closed down, I can ignore what I see Why should I care about you, when I’ve forgotten there’s a me? It’s easier when I’m anaesthetised so I can follow like a sheep If there isn’t a set system, I would collapse in a heap So l’ll choose not to notice, to turn a blind eye Preferring gratification, living my life as a lie You can show me atrocities, talk to me of war Tell me about pornography and the life of a whore But I won’t listen to your ranting as I’m not really here I’m lost to myself, disconnected from my fear You can talk to me of suffering, of animals in distress Point out all the problems, how the world’s in a mess But words and images don’t mean a great deal Because I’m in a deep sleep, can’t see what’s real So if you want me to feel, I’d have to open my heart Melt some of the ice put in place from the start I’d have to come home to reconnect with my pain Finding compassion being gentle with my shame So don’t blame me, judge me, define how I should be Don’t shake me, cajole me, force me to see I can only wake up, when I’m ready and willing When I see in my heart that it’s MY spirit I’m killing It is time for mourning. It is time for death. You have held me at bay for long enough and the bells are tolling. There is no stopping me now. The momentum is too strong, the time too ripe. Why fear what is offered. You who have resisted for so long, fought every battle, confronted every demon. Now the battle is over. You can rest. You can face and be with your fatigue, your battle scars and see you did them proud. You have not failed. You have come to the other side. There is no more fighting to be done. This was the old game, the old way. There is a new way approaching, a new guard of honour, a different battle to be fought.
You who have fought so bravely, why do you weep now as if you failed and are beyond redemption? How can you sit there with your criticisms and self judgement that it could have been done any other way? Who are you with your arrogance to know the chosen way, the way of the brave hearted. The fight for justice. The peace that is offered is not branded with the blood of those that have gone before but gilded with the courage that flows in their veins. Don’t cry for lost days or lost loved ones. Noone has gone, they have only reunited with the One who never left and waiting for you who beckons from the other side. Never underestimate the illumination possible from staring reality starkly in the face. There is a bright light waiting for you here in the truth beyond all illusion, in the way that is directed and clear. Do not judge this space so harshly because it doesn’t speak well of fantasy and charm, it cuts through the limitations and mirage that blinds with its illusions and veils and brings forth a clarity that allows for a new day. A new day that is fresh and clear just as Kali slices out the demons in her existence until there is nothing, literally nothing that stands in her way. This is justice fought in the name of mercy, this is the bridal path that claims no survivors and offers redemption in the name of the Lord. This is the only peace worth fighting for, the mercy that is attainable by absolute blind devotion. This is the way home. This is what it means to die and go to heaven. This is peace. Unwelcome body screams Ancestral aching cries Ripping to shreds Dissecting from inside Seeking an outlet Inflaming, burning, destroying Damaging vital organs This uncontrollable fire Unconscious self hatred Twisted, distorted miasms Down the lineage Fury wrongly tamed Destroying inner boundaries Animal near death Mashed to pieces Brutal, inner parent Unthinking, malicious owner The animal howls Trapped and hog-tied Sadistic, torturous regimes Weapons of vice Gasping for breath Dampened digestive flame Teeth and talons Prior to domination Sharp, lethal, primed All but gone Soft under belly Way too exposed In extreme danger Flesh at risk Where are you My dragon’s fire? Instinctual, enflamed beast My sovereign kingdom? Om Kali Ma, take my life and add it as fuel to the fire
Om Kali Ma, compost me, so that I may be birthed anew in your glorious name Om Kali Ma forgive me for my sins, the redemption I was seeking This denial and manipulation instead of offering you everything Om Kali Ma, take me to be reborn in your image, as your servant, as your daughter Om Kali Ma, I can hold on no more. I surrender to your flames Om Kali Ma, I trust your fire to cleanse that which does not serve the unfolding Om Kali Ma, I cannot bear this half hearted existence any longer Om Kali Ma, I’m on my knees, this limited version of being ‘human’ This masquerade that meters out love and shrinks from the power that you hold Om Kali Ma, please hear me, I’m ready to burn in your alchemic fires of love Om Kali Ma, I ask for nothing except to let go of anything that is not this fierce love What is this connection that stirs my soul
Rings true to my heart, helps me feel more whole A sense of belonging, of knowing the other A secret understanding, are you my soul-mate or brother? Time stood still when we came together A strange sense that I’d known you for ever and ever A sinking deeper into the core of my being Two souls joined, not constrained, but freeing With your safety and knowledge, I wanted to go through the portal To give up the pain of being a mere mortal To dare to release and finally let go To spiral, to merge, to explode and to ‘know’ I’ve been too scared to travel the journey alone To trust in divine forces, to connect back home Somehow I knew with our hearts connected We’d be together in union, yet somehow protected Is this madness or dysfunction or some deep inner longing Is it avoidance or escape or a core need for belonging How can I, as a human, begin to know the answer Since the dance becomes clear if I dare to be the dancer |
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