I feel some concern looking at the olive tree with the jasmine growing up through it and the fig tree encroaching from two sides. Everything seems shiny and radiant but I notice a familiar and visceral feeling of being smothered, slowing down my breath to almost stopping, contracting my energy while projecting that the olive tree is in some kind in danger. Old patterns kicking in just by this mirror as I stand on my terrace here in Italy. With more discernment and listening to my inner Observer, I can see what’s really happening. We look a little closer. There is no take over. It’s true it’s a little less ordered, perhaps a bit more chaotic visually with inter-twining leaves, but it’s all ok. It’s about appropriateness and space, this inter-dependence, so that all three trees have the chance to blossom and produce their gifts, without impacting negatively on the other.
Phew. Seen from a different lens, I breathe a little easier, feel safer in my body, happier for the olive tree and grateful for how nature informs me, if I slow down enough to witness Her teachings. I’m seeing how this relates in my life, how challenging it is for me right now to move into a way of co-creating, rather than either living independently and alone or living with others but feeling so easily dominated and dis-empowered as a result. This terror of being totally ‘taken over’ and annihilated, such that I can choose isolation, the other arm of the crippling double bind that moves me between invasion or abandonment. One or the other. Vampire or Victim. Independent or Co-dependent. I can do either. So…. how to co-exist and be in delicious inter-dependence like these trees are managing so beautifully. How do they do it and what is the secret? Some months ago we cut back the olive quite severely by cleaning out the centre so the tree could breathe, clipping out the masculine branches that shoot upwards making it impossible to harvest the olives and thereby encouraging more of the feminine branches that grow downwards. Now it has space in its centre and I feel this in the core of my body. It’s why I’ve cleaned up all my olive trees like doing a spring clean it feels good. I notice that the voracious jasmine below, seeing it’s opportunity has come up to be held through the olive tree’s clear centre, in order to grow upwards to the light and give off more of its blossom. The fig tree that was nearly dead some nine years ago, lying in a strange position horizontally on the ground, has this last year become so abundant as it enjoys the garden watering nightly, cloaking protectively over the white Magdalene statue below and producing many more fruits than normal. Surprisingly, all three trees are thriving and abundant despite the unusual combo, this tree-o. The olive tree has tiny olives that survived yesterday’s June hail storm, the jasmine has expanded everywhere, showering it’s scented white flowers and the fig tree has proud little figs that are soaking up the sun’s powerful rays ready for August harvest. I feel into how I would be with two other human beings so intimately close in my private space and again my body contracts. I’m not used to working in close connection with others like this trio is organically and happily doing here on my land. I’m consumed with a fear of being ‘taken over’, suffocated and trapped. I like it when people come but these days, I notice I love it when they go. This wounded part of me who is shame-bound and beyond redemption, is paralysed, frozen and voiceless, she cannot defend herself and ultimately, she feels safest alone. So how to live in this inter-dependent place now that my healing centre has more capacity to open and offer living accommodation to others? How can I honour and hold my boundaries, dare to express myself authentically so that I’m not taken over or one or other of us, cuts and runs. Adapting to the new way of three trees together, each with the capacity to bloom even if it looks a little different and unusual. I have a history with trios desperately trying to find safety between one parent and the other, stuck in the middle like the olive tree. Holding up my jasmine father because he needed my help, feeling overpowered by my fig mother encroaching my space. Everything in life offering us these mirrors affording us the opportunity to change our reality and break free of old patterns and restrictive limitations. In my view, double binds are the worst, jammed between two impossible opposites trying to find some peace and balance, feeling without choice. Do I cut down the fig tree or the olive, this black and white insanity that we live with globally. What is the middle way, the place of resolution and harmony where everything is included, I never learnt this? It’s too easy to use the chain saw as in seconds a life can be gone, I’ve done this many times. But the idea of passionate and co-creative inter-dependence where all parties thrive in some kind of intimate and organic community , whilst being a dream I have, also terrifies me right to my core and I feel my little feet - she who was traumatised so early on, getting ready to run even as I write this (chain saw in hand just in case). Yet still I rise as I think of Maya Angelou’s poem. It’s all about personal boundaries, the safety they afford if I/we give ourselves permission. Still I imagine how it might be possible, what are all the ingredients for thriving inter-dependently outside of the old hierarchical, patriarchal model? The olive tree is strong and they are incredible survivors, sometimes managing to stay out of the earth for up to a year and still live when re-planted as happened to one of mine. That’s amazing, they are not easily beaten. However for me, there is an interesting point here that’s more important. A tree that has consistent lack of care and love where some land-owners around this area have stopped cleaning up their trees and left them to be totally taken over and dominated by parasitic ivy, known locally as Ledera, they live but cannot produce any fruit. Peter Levine talks of this, how it is the unsuccessful escape, this immobilisation that leads to the experience of helplessness and giving up, stuck in the ghostly black hole of trauma. Parasites are vampires, that’s what Ledera does, they live off their host. They totally take over as is the case with Lyme’s infection that I was diagnosed with early in 2017, the stealth bacteria are masterful and wipe out the immune system, re-directing forces to work for them. It’s no surprise that I understand the metaphor of what’s got ‘under my skin’ and what is ‘eating me alive’. These were my realities and I also recognise this is about ancestral trauma, this trans-generational legacy that gets passed down in order to honor stories that were untold and dishonored. I'm stronger as I know finally what I'm up against and I'm reclaiming my stealth and creativity in the process clearing my own baggage but also healing my lineage. I digress but you can see this is my theme and I know my healing lies in not resisting this truth but facing it with love, seeing the deeper teaching being offered. Anyway, as a result, these olive trees along my road have long since been able to give of their true gifts. They are totally suffocated with no hope of changing, as each year the Ledera gets more entwined and choking on all the branches with no-one coming to their aid. This is the same with our negative thoughts and belief systems, the way we can sabotage and destroy ourselves because of early distorted programming. The balance of power has gone out of sync. Finally at the ripe age of 59 taking radical responsibility, with new eyes and more resonant families of affiliation, I’m endeavoring to do things differently. I’ve taken off most of the things that have been choking me, finding my way back to some sense of sovereignty, giving myself this quiet space at my delicious piece of paradise here in Liguria. However I’m also seeing how isolated it is to live alone outside of community, like the olive tree living out of the earth and I'm longing to find some safe way to be with this kind of healthy inter-dependence. Neither extreme really works. I’m wanting to find the middle way of co-creating, combining what I know and daring to put it clumsily into practice and to forgive myself, since as pioneers to a new heart paradigm, I/we are mostly without guidance, steering a new course. I see much more clearly how it’s all about space, boundaries, awareness and appropriateness and all needs to be monitored vigilantly and regularly. It’s not a one off thing you do now and again, it’s a moment to moment tuning in and being 100% present. I can’t delegate it anymore to anyone else in some co-dependent cover up, it’s an inside job. Checking in with my body constantly as I heal with this demanding de-tox protocol for Lymes or finding ways to be intimate with my partner so we aren’t passing ships in the night, taking each other for granted. Or at a practical level on the land especially as the heat intensifies and after rain, because, in one day, the trees and plants are growing at a huge pace with the life giving sun and they can be over-shadowed and crowded out quickly succumbing to mould or infection. Lettuces can suddenly become inedible all in a day or two’s lack of attention. Relationships can wither just as quickly. We are no different. Everything needs love and care. We need constant food and watering, this on-going nourishment, not now and then when it suits us. We don't need to control and over manage everything as has been my way, but we do need appropriate, healthy boundaries, not mixed messages but clear transparent communication. Open dialogue, holding space for everyone's needs to be part of the field. We cannot make assumptions of how other people function and everyone must be responsible to share as honestly as they can. When I get overwhelmed, it feels easier to get out the chain saw and be dominant or withdraw and withhold but that hurts too much and is more of the same old. Awareness, trust and patience are vital. One step at a time, gently does it as they say in the 12 step programme. I have no answers and this feels way out of my comfort zone despite continually stepping up to my vision, hoping for miracles. People are so different. The jasmine for example is highly unlikely to destroy the olive, it’s vigorous but way too gentle to do any harm. To continue to grow, it needs something to give it support. The fig is a different kettle of fish, it’s so passionate and grand, it could easily overshadow and block the olive tree’s sun and space. It’s not wrong for being so exuberant, it’s just it’s nature to be big and bold but still in community, it needs containment. And still, even more ironic, it appears to be strong but the wood is flimsy in comparison with the olive and huge branches get ripped off in the winds as happened yesterday, where the olives remain totally intact. Appearances can be deceptive. As an Aries I can seem confident and strong like the fig, but I have an innocence and sensitivity that is much more like the jasmine. As people we are like this, we need to recognize whether we are a jasmine, a fig or an olive tree and how that works with others. We need to admit what we do when we are most stressed and vulnerable because I mostly start to over-talk where another person will totally withdraw. Shadow work in my view is essential to find our way through together. We have to know what our needs are, whether it’s ok to be as close as the jasmine is with the olive or whether we need to have more space and shine solo. I suspect I will always need my safe alone space and that this is non-negotiable. I'm realising I'm a bit of a lone wolf despite years of being a socialite using distractions of all kinds. It’s up to us to re-set where boundaries have been shattered and destroyed so that as we come into more alignment, we can bring back inner balance and safety. So - it’s all in my hands and I cannot ignore this precious on-going and radical responsibility that holds the key to my happiness and wellbeing. And with this self love, how I can then better 'Mother' other sentient beings in my life. Giving and receiving both together. The possibility of safe, thriving, inter-dependence. Thank you Mother Earth for your inspiring and beautiful teaching today.
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