What of my life that I should sink so low
Anaesthetised victim in a puppet show Parents and society condoning the whole game Illusion and denial so no-one’s to blame Programmed as a child to have no rights, and no vice Defenceless, numbed out, a vampire’s paradise Predators feeding ground, no questions asked Programmed to be perfect, any weakness tightly masked Betrayal by the ones who are supposed to care Caught up in pretences and the masks they wear A spiritual vacuum where stoicism rules Creating emotional cripples and unaware fools So what of your dreams, golden girl Why did they never have a chance to unfurl No space to breathe, the puppet strings too tight Worshipping false gods, no energy to fight A life of ‘burn out’, of being hyper alert Of people pleasing so no-one gets hurt Covering dysfunction and hidden shame A disembodied superwoman seeking family fame Truth’s my freedom, stoicism’s a lie Being ‘indifferent to suffering’ one might as well die I must face my past and open my heart Dare to receive as the first place to start But I cling to old patterns, to familiar masks I’m unsure of a life without endless tasks I’m in rage and mourning for the loss of myself And for the price I paid in losing my health I’m addicted to suffering and achieving the best I need constant reminding that life’s not a test If I’m invaded or threatened, I forget there’s a choice And I abandon myself by losing my voice But something amazing occurs when I’m authentic and real Deep emotions surface, my body can heal The child is heard, is blessed and supported Courageous efforts, no longer are thwarted I’m regaining my spirit with a different set of rules A new family of affiliation and some trusted tools I’m repairing fences, building strong boundaries of my own Re-parenting that child so she can be fully grown My body’s no longer an enemy to be fought In listening to its pain, I’ve learnt what it’s taught Fool’s gold is true because real gold exists Is available to those with the courage to persist I seek others with integrity who search like me Confronting denials in an effort to be free In this safety and honesty, I melt some of the ice Know with certainty, I must expose the word ‘nice’ I thank M.E. for the bridge across my sorrows For a chance to really live for all my tomorrows For the experience of joy and the presence of grace And for connecting to others, face to face
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Stranded in limbo
Between the worlds We exist again Night after night Returning to You Intermingling as one Surrendered in presence Floating cosmic womb This precarious safety Which on waking Abruptly is gone My precious secret Alone in this Raw empty shell Every morning this Aching heavy heart Sorrow that burns Penetrates my lungs Gasping for air Will you leave Again and again? I can’t bear This endless loss That wreaks havoc Quietly smouldering while Blood drains away Why did you Show me naked What love is Only to tear Me to pieces Left all alone Only with memories Of your touch Blissful umbilical union Never to return Sweet unblemished love In the night Living as two Merged as One Entwined in embrace Delicious safe surrender Mine to hold In the day Dead as one Grasping for you Feeling so lost Bereft and confused Split in half Violent crude separation I was once given the name ‘Golden Chalice of the Rising Phoenix’ yet I feel I have much more holy work before I am worthy of such a sacred name. In honour of my own pre-verbal inner child with her exquisite and raw sensitivity, my promise is that I will speak the unspeakable and be a voice for the voiceless. She has no words, only implicit body memories, this evidence that speaks volumes as the 'body holds the score' (Bessell) …..even if it would not hold up in a patriarchal court of law. No matter. I speak for her now, as I will speak for others who need an enlightened witness to move beyond self hatred, self loathing and self doubt.
I vow to be a witness for souls who need help to see the madness that they have accepted as the norm, this trauma they have literally been marinated in, to help them return ‘home’ to their alienated bodies, to believe and validate what they have endured and survived. I vow to help these brave and resilient souls understand the nature of complex trauma, how they have been affected in order that they can enlarge their ‘window of tolerance’ and find some sense of safety in their own bodies. I want to help these shame bound souls know that they are redeemable, that learning to trust themselves is an essential path to trusting life again. I will hold a lantern and help others where necessary, to question everything, including all the endless projections that belong to others and instead, reclaim their own inner truths and sovereignty. She is a woman of substance, make no mistake. She has depth… real depth. She has had to face crippling shame, terrors, repressed rage, chronic and debilitating illness and PTSD, to be the heroine and saviour she was waiting for. She is highly sensitive and intuitive but she values most, her radical self honesty and rigorous self examination, her dedication to truth. She is a wounded healer, fierce and tender from life’s betrayals but she is also a warrior and way-shower because she knows the alchemy that is possible by dancing with the light and shadow and surrendering to grace.
She has redefined herself on many levels after years of inner work. Her brutal inner critic is now a discerning judge, the scapegoat a whistleblower, who does not tolerate and take on secrets, lies and deceptions. Her adapted child with so many masks is now a powerful and conscious shape-shifter, her wounded child, a compassionate witness and advocate for others. She knows this initiatory journey must always be referenced back to the self and whilst many prefer to ‘spiritually bypass’ and not face the ‘pain body’ of their relative existence, she is willing to do this personal work, to heal her shadow, release trauma and trust these gifts and vibrational shifts, as an important offering to the collective ‘pain body’ and healing on the planet. She has journeyed to the Underworld many times, taking radical responsibility for what she has had to face in these dark night’s of the soul, the trauma in her own life and inter-generationally. This work is not for the fainthearted, there are no certificates or honours to be gained but she feels it as deeply holy work and vitally important we return to honouring the ancestors. She has been strengthened by facing the truth instead of burying her head in the sand, despite the cost at a relative level because she knows the deep healing that takes place in ways that cannot be calibrated or proved. Truth for her is more important, this sacred connection above all. She was once given a name of ‘Golden Chalice of the Rising Phoenix’ because through each alchemic initiation, she re-invented herself when her world was shattered and in ruins, returning with more resilience, immense resources, learned wisdom and many sacred gifts. She knows how to rise time and time again, this alchemic gold that is available to everyone if they commit and say a clear yes. And, she recognises her own habitual co-dependency, the extreme importance of honouring her own inner ‘no’s and those of others, if they cannot take the journey for whatever reason. But with this awareness, she is able to be a guide, to help others to rise again, if they are ready, open and willing, to shine a light and help them become more embodied, to find their core truth, trust their knowing and to listen to their soul’s calling. In this, as an Aries who champions the underdog, she is a strong and discerning advocate for others, for those less fortunate who are wrongly scapegoated, not only because it is in her nature but because she herself never had a witness for what happened. This is her longing, her sacred work and commitment, to hold this lantern and help others as a compassionate witness, in their suffering and struggle. In her melt down and spiritual emergency periods which sometimes went on for years, she was bestowed the gifts of awareness, discernment, wisdom, humility, grace and compassion, to carry this bright torch for others when their flame cannot burn brightly and perhaps more importantly, when there is danger from others close by, (family, friends, culture, doctors and many others), who are unwilling or unable to honour the delicate, spiritual emergence process that is so desperately needed. She will no longer do the work for others as this co-dependent behaviour exhausted her, believing she had to be the saviour, responsible for everyone’s pain. This was inappropriate, not just for her but for those she was endeavouring to save, because the butterfly needs the struggle in order to leave the cocoon or it will die. Smothering and over-helping is sadly just another disguised power game, she knows this from both sides now. She knows from painful experience that It is the number one trespass to think that we can control, change or fix another's process. So if she takes great self care, listening to her body wisdom and setting healthier boundaries, she will simply offer you the authenticity of her life experience, trusting that just this presence is enough. Perfectionism nearly killed her, trying too hard and pushing to self improve, something she still struggles with. So her offering is to simply be herself, warts and all, this mutuality and shared humanity that can be the miracle needed to spark another to trust in themselves and regain their sense of personal power. She is tired of the therapist/client and doctor/patient power games that so often take place, so she is choosing to work in the role of ‘peer support’ instead, to take away any hierarchy and power dynamics that might disempower or cause damage. She is acutely aware of her failings and limitations but it’s time she offers her light instead of focussing only on her shadow. She is enough just as she is. She is willing and ready to step up into her sovereignty and offer herself in this perfectly, imperfect state because that, in Leonard Cohen’s words, is ‘how the light gets in’. This is the space where grace can enter. She is glad to be back in the human race, it was lonely doing everything solo, un-trusting and self righteous. She is for ever grateful to those angels in disguise, who were there, in her desperate need and also to the adversaries and brutal grace that was, whilst not welcome at the time, always the catalyst for her own awakening. We are children of God, vessels into which we awaken
This gift of life that is not easily forsaken As pitiful humans we might want to run and hide From the divinity and temple that is ours inside What makes us think that we can do better? Insanely identified with our narcissistic go-getter As we strive and push in controlling ways Our egos blindly caught in an illusory haze It is in the dark womb that we can bear the pain In Kali’s wisdom that we are reborn again and again Hold me close in my shattering, bathe my wounds with Your love Remind me always of the true path and peace of the dove Strip me bare and take away my clothes Force me to surrender from all that is grandiose Help me to bear the purity of Thy face And to know in return the glory and the grace In black and white mode, we label everything good or bad Have such aversion to anything shameful, angry or sad Adversity melts us in the fire, brings us to our knees Reducing us to children reciting primary abc’s But in this surrender as we kiss Your blessed feet There is wonder and creation, sifting the chaff from the wheat We can begin to open the magic of pandora’s box And speak of the mystery, to dance and de-tox In my brokenness, I cannot manage this journey alone I beg for forgiveness and mercy to bring me fully ‘home’ Can I believe the inherent goodness that upholds all life? Dare to trust in the Dark Mother stripping me naked with a knife? When will I feel safe in my skin, give up the exhaustive fight? Honour my body’s desperate cries as SHE holds me tight? When will I trust in the love that is far beyond redemption And devotedly enter my Temple with wholly/holy intention? When ………..when………..if not now?? Dear Brave Heart
You have never failed me. Regardless of what is happening, you have remained faithful at my side. I can always trust you. As now, listening to the heart beat that demands courageous action, a call to re-unite and stay true to the heart’s calling. I cannot thank you enough. Without you I would have stumbled so many times. But you have always beckoned me forwards. Even when the darkness was so obscure. Even when the wraths of hell forbade me entry. Even when all else seemed impossible, still you called me on, reminded me of my warrior way. Showed me the light and portal home. Thank you dear one. I need your bright light now as I enter the valleys of darkness and trust to the faint light that has always guided me. You have always trusted to the blazing torch that shines brightly and calls us all home to the One Heart . From all quarters of the globe we are remembering. Tenderness is exquisite Potent and gentle Soft and unyielding She doesn’t judge Battered and bruised She doesn’t fix But quietly enables Surrendering your guard Smiling with innocence Of shared humanity This deep resonance Speaking in tongues From the One Un-Broken Heart She softly enters Plays no roles Or power games Requests no glory And demands nothing Sitting in pure Unbounded still presence Without separating judgement Or painful projections Creating deep connection And total safety Melting all barriers Embalming your wounds She holds you Completely and utterly In Mother’s embrace Don’t underestimate ‘HER’ Speaking with compassion This unassuming angel Humbly comes unexpected With no whistles No fancy qualifications Just life experience Surrendered on knees From brutal grace Like grapes trampled Making refined wine And Cocoon Goo Emerging and transformed Into Butterfly Wings Perhaps tenderness is A radiant spark Of the ONE Precious and Nourishing Opening the Heart Kindling dampened flames Beaming renewed hope Igniting new potential This Alchemic Breath Expansive and restorative Returning you back To your heart This inner reunion Subtly and surprisingly Bringing you ‘Home’ I’m ready to die, delicious surrender To rest in the arms of the Beloved In a peace so enveloping Embracing and expansive Nourishing and welcome Such a long hard fight Weary to my bones, broken hearted Long years searching in vain For a treasure that did not exist Outside of my own domain If only I had known this before It seems so futile to see this now Too late to change the outcome Blind patterns set in destiny Waiting to be welcomed home Intense fluttering, butterflies seek their rightful place
Another ‘mourning’ beckons, stares me straight in the face Breathing deeply as shock kicks in on first waking Knowing in death there is bliss, no suffering, no faking Boulders pressing down on a sad, heavy chest Anxiety too strong, never allowing for rest Airways restricted, breath barely passing through I must speak the truth, the mundane and the taboo Is this a dread of waking or the thrill of life itself? The dark combination of meeting in this void? Haunting memories of a loss too painful to mention A body crippled from trauma and life long tension Four breaths in – pause, four breaths out – pause The safety afforded by these habitual doors Don’t stop and contract, shutting down to survive You must remember the breathing, the choice to thrive There’s no easy explanation for a grief this deep No answers, quick fixes, promises you can keep Reality can be stark, relenting and brutal Strategies help sustain but in the end are futile As I stay closely aligned to the salvation of breath There is no denying that it’s HIS – not my death Twin souls and bodies entangled and entwined Life and death, in this tender and precious double bind Radical, piercing heartbreak
Ripped wide apart Pleading for salvation Kali’s fierce love Uninvited, brutal grace Controls all gone Sluice gates open Expansive dark chasm Do you have? Courage to dare Give up hope Could you face? Being here now Stark present reality On bended knees Begging for mercy The Goddess smiles For She is You Your Sacred Heart Cosmic Mother Womb Pure potentiality awaits Unexpected, welcome miracle Coming from surrender |
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