To write as a spiritual writing exercise, ‘the last time I saw you’……… makes no fucking sense. Nothing makes sense, it never has. How do I write about this when there are no words. I didn’t see you. How can I write about the last time I saw you, when we were in pitch darkness, in a vast liminal space with our eyes closed? We didn’t exist on that plane yet , ours was a pre-verbal one, dominated by sensual knowing. I never saw you but I felt you totally. Intimately. I knew you as me, there was no separation as we moved between the veils. The last time I felt you, the world was sacred. Tender, safe and nourishing. I was with my Beloved, entwined in Your arms ,Shiva and Shakti, we were One, breathing in sync, floating in bliss, undifferentiated beings of pure love. How do I explain this aching loss to others, the tsunami that took you away in a second? No warning, no explanation, no support. Total devastation with the body holding score. A black hole of sheer terror and haunting emptiness. Silent, unheard screams. Crippling abandonment that ripped me in two and broke my heart. I never saw you, we were the same and yet different, existing in a symbiotic and cherished union. Without you I was lost and confused, stuck in limbo, frozen in time and space. Lonely and without hope. Half living. Forgetting to breathe, shocked to my core. My nervous system never recovered, hyper alert and dis-regulated. Shaking for a life time with no proof or explanation why. You disappeared so fast, one minute together, the next you were gone. Sudden empty space, my other half no longer. No-one in the mirror, just me all alone. What happened? What did she do? Will we ever find out? Dearest Graham, we had an agreement to co-exist as twins, that was the deal right? Will I ever feel you again? Will this wretched sorrow ever leave me? This rage at life? What is the purpose of this existence, this dreary human life without you at my side? What is this ‘twin loss syndrome’ that is so misunderstood and wreaks havoc on survivors? Straddling the worlds searching for you, has been all I’ve known but half pretending to be here on earth is killing me now. The deadly toll of holding on and refusing to participate has destroyed my health, cost me dearly. I can’t do it anymore. If now, I choose to be here in my body, to make this commitment to fully incarnate, do I have to let you go? This, our secret, liminal world, my non existence here? Is it essential, to face this primal wound now in order to heal and fully arrive? I cannot continue in this half hearted, split and dis-embodied way, it’s too punishing an existence. Life is calling me. I need to let you go in order to find you, to allow the remembrance of you, to be fully embodied as a poetic and mystical sensory experience. This exquisite paradox, you as my beloved teacher and brother. Please help me, I’m terrified to face and feel your physical loss in my ravaged body, to be broken open once again, to grieve the pool of tears for years of separation and chronic amnesia. I must come home to me now, and say a YES to being here. A radical 100%, no more excuses. It’s time. Thank you, I love you, Please forgive me, I’m sorry.
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