So to my confession. Until now, crippled with shame and not wanting to acknowledge the horrors of what I have uncovered in my family of origin and lineage, as well as dealing with such a debilitating illness day in and day out for twenty years, I have kept this death wish and suicidal part mostly to myself. I was shattered from taking on way too much, building a house in Italy on my own and having another burn out in the process. The 12 step says you are only as sick as the secrets you keep but it was like I was gagged and forbidden to speak, unable to break the silence that goes with incest. I was stuck in a brutal, on-going critic attack for not being perfect all the time, over identified with my wounds, managing severe symptoms and pain daily, overwhelmed by the planetary situation and under the weight of it all, not surprisingly, unable to claim my sacred gifts, my Golden Shadow.
So it comes as a huge relief to hear from Andrew Harvey as he initiates us so powerfully on a Fierce Feminine course, that it is an absolutely vital part of awakening for everyone to come to this point and recognise the shadow of the ‘death wish’ and what truly is at stake right now on the planet. To see how I had subtly given up whilst pretending otherwise with my super positive, omnipotent selves who learnt how to keep going in all kinds of nightmare challenge. Thank the Goddess for these brave and persistent selves, the strategies that got me through, but now it’s a time to be more radically present and stop living my own fake news story. To say it how it really is, daring to be transparent and real. To hear that it’s actually a sign of sanity to feel overwhelmed and outraged with our own personal betrayals and suffering, as well as what is happening on the planet, rather than the norm of disassociating and numbing out in one form or another. Even though for years I have self abandoned and fallen into victim as my default, I see that healing my immune and nervous system is absolute priority and whilst I have some severe challenges post a blood test, at the same time finally I have some killer T cells working which is excellent. I saw them taking action in front of my very eyes and I know this is a welcome sign of the empowering work I’m doing. According to Andrew we all need to prepare ourselves and strengthen our sacred practices, otherwise in the words of Marion Woodward, we will be going into a forest fire only wearing a tutu. I’ve had to become more savvy, I was without healthy boundaries having had them shattered from a young age, I was wide open and too innocent, like a lamb to the slaughter. Finding or creating resonant support in some way, instead of isolating and giving up is vital. Coming together to feel and to expose the horror of patriarchy in silencing and separating us all, so it can follow out it’s brutal agenda. Andrew is helping me see those shadow aspects in myself, rather than solely pointing fingers outside, taking radical responsibility first for cleaning up my own house. Asking for help instead of denying my vulnerability and the righteous rage I have been feeling. Daring to be honest and authentic, coming finally into spiritual congruence and honouring this direction above all else. Recognising this inside job of shadow healing and the spiritual truth of ‘as above, so below’, and then trusting to magnetising, resonant others to co-create ‘networks of grace’.
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