What of my life that I should sink so low
Anaesthetised victim in a puppet show Parents and society condoning the whole game Illusion and denial so no-one’s to blame Programmed as a child to have no rights, and no vice Defenceless, numbed out, a vampire’s paradise Predators feeding ground, no questions asked Programmed to be perfect, any weakness tightly masked Betrayal by the ones who are supposed to care Caught up in pretences and the masks they wear A spiritual vacuum where stoicism rules Creating emotional cripples and unaware fools So what of your dreams, golden girl Why did they never have a chance to unfurl No space to breathe, the puppet strings too tight Worshipping false gods, no energy to fight A life of ‘burn out’, of being hyper alert Of people pleasing so no-one gets hurt Covering dysfunction and hidden shame A disembodied superwoman seeking family fame Truth’s my freedom, stoicism’s a lie Being ‘indifferent to suffering’ one might as well die I must face my past and open my heart Dare to receive as the first place to start But I cling to old patterns, to familiar masks I’m unsure of a life without endless tasks I’m in rage and mourning for the loss of myself And for the price I paid in losing my health I’m addicted to suffering and achieving the best I need constant reminding that life’s not a test If I’m invaded or threatened, I forget there’s a choice And I abandon myself by losing my voice But something amazing occurs when I’m authentic and real Deep emotions surface, my body can heal The child is heard, is blessed and supported Courageous efforts, no longer are thwarted I’m regaining my spirit with a different set of rules A new family of affiliation and some trusted tools I’m repairing fences, building strong boundaries of my own Re-parenting that child so she can be fully grown My body’s no longer an enemy to be fought In listening to its pain, I’ve learnt what it’s taught Fool’s gold is true because real gold exists Is available to those with the courage to persist I seek others with integrity who search like me Confronting denials in an effort to be free In this safety and honesty, I melt some of the ice Know with certainty, I must expose the word ‘nice’ I thank M.E. for the bridge across my sorrows For a chance to really live for all my tomorrows For the experience of joy and the presence of grace And for connecting to others, face to face
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