I’m tiny, I’m angry, I’m lost and alone
I’m a prisoner with no choices, and I want to go ‘home’ You tell me it’s all planned, that my soul made a choice When I want to scream - ‘help me’ - at the top of my voice I don’t care, there’s no point, no-one hears, there’s no hope Endless pretences, games, strategies to cope She was trained by the best to put whipped cream over garbage The elephant in the room, the abused child creating carnage She pays out thousands in therapies, learns new tools every day Apparently determined to find a new way Friends marvel at her courage, her persistence and grace When I know she’s scared shitless, terrified to lose face So it’s me that’s the problem I’ve always been here There’s no outside demon or devil to fear Whatever she does, however hard she tries I’m the silent saboteur while she repeatedly cries I’m not vicious or unkind, I just don’t give a shit I’m not prepared to conform in order to fit If people use, manipulate and plunder my light Then ‘I don’t care’ is the best way to fight But in truth I’m exhausted holding on in this way Undermining freedom just to have some kind of say I’m trusting to a miracle, the frog longing for a kiss Some way to transform ‘I don’t care’ into bliss I know all the methods, I’ve studied all the tools ‘What you resist will persist’, I’m nobody’s fool And yet despite all this ‘knowing’, I still close my heart To the tender little part who so deserves a new start
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What a strange thing this aching grief
That seems to terrorise, yet can bring such relief Threatening to drown us in a sea of sorrow When in its release, there’s a chance for tomorrow Grief we repress, pushing down and down Sometimes even choosing to wear as a crown Dragging it round as a heavy lead weight Trying to be stoic, accepting our fate What if the symptoms that pervade every cell Were here as a reminder – to take us away from hell? What if we stopped and dared to feel all the pain Could we have a chance to live once again? It’s overwhelmingly scary to dive down so deep To give voice to the grief buried and asleep What if we could bring ourselves to kiss all our tears Could we then honour the losses through the years? When we avoid going into the truth of the grief We create stories around it, desperately hoping for relief But there is nothing to do, but stare it straight in the face As then magically it’s transformed, with some zen-like space With space and awareness, the pain loses control We are no longer trapped in a bottomless hole We come back to the present, more accepting and whole Can witness the gift, that grief gives to our soul Grief as a messenger opens our hearts Brings us back to our bodies so we’re not broken in parts We can connect to others and feel less alone Look back on our lives and see how much that we’ve grown When I’m anxious and hyper, running scared When I’m playing superwoman with everything prepared That’s when I know, I’m not listening to my heart Thank God for my tears, so I can make a new start What is the real sickness that pervades the West
That is masked by heroes we then put to the test A sickness passed on generation to generation Creating unconscious automatons and fearful nations Little boys playing warfare from right up on high Responsible fathers disappearing with no good-bye Manipulative mothers who demand total attention Narcissistic media stars needing front page mention Punitive fathers who can’t admit when they’re wrong Children playing adults having to pretend they’re strong The placid neighbour who throws her toys out of her cot And the stressed single mother who simply loses the plot Can’t we see it’s all topsy turvy and the wrong way round That when we’re in touch with our feelings, it’s then that we’re sound Believing power rules vulnerability is arse about face As when we champion our ‘child’ it’s then that there’s grace It’s the child who is compassionate, innocent and alive It’s the child who is intuitive and knows how to survive It’s the child who is in touch with the feelings of the other Who can see we’re all equal – brother to brother When will we recognise this fundamental truth See the danger when we disconnect and become aloof It’s then that we separate allowing fear to kick in Because we’ve lost touch with our vulnerability and the magic that’s within What is this aching, this yearning to break out
Unbridled passion that wants to scream and shout Like succulent mango flesh dripping with juice A ripening, an opening, luscious and loose Should I contain this wildness that craves to be free? Should I be scared of the drives, of the sexuality within me I can’t deny the sensations, the feelings of being alive Shut down far too early as the only way to survive Nature blossoms forth with no holes barred She is not fettered or easily scarred Abundance and magic everywhere abounds Richness and beauty that never ceases to astound Spring lambs bleating, hazy blue skies Birds endless chattering, new born suckling cries What reason therefore to be scared of change When nature just shows itself, sees nothing as strange So I’ll drink in the bright sunshine that warms my skin I’ll treasure the guidance that comes from within I’ll marvel at my dogs and their unconditional love Give thanks to the new pups sent to me from above I’m in awe at the journey that’s brought me home Deeply grateful to the angels who never left me alone I’m humbled by the miracles that showed me the Divine And for the awakened wonder child, that has always been mine Don’t compare me to others or get me to conform to a norm Don’t judge me by society’s rigid structures and forms Don’t encourage my denials so I’m intellectual and aloof Don’t tell me to be less emotional when it’s my way to truth I’ve spent a lifetime of denial, anaesthetised and cloned Fitted in with a world fast asleep and stoned I’ve lived a life on the run with a heart closed from fear Brainwashed that I’m weak if I dare to shed a tear So now I’ll reveal myself, to own who I am To grieve all my losses and accept the Divine Plan I’ll stop dreaming of inspiration and take action today I’ll stop thinking and ‘anal-ising’ and get right down to play I’ll open myself up, let go of control Dare to be ‘undone’ to free up my soul I’ll resist ‘conquering’ creativity and just kill it hello I’ll take life less seriously so everything’s more mellow I’ll stop planning the ending and focus on the beginning I’ll take out the competition and the emphasis on winning I’ll listen to my heart and follow my bliss Dare to experience each day like a lover’s first kiss What does your body feel like everyday?
Does your energy run out, your legs give way? Do you know what it’s like to be out of control? And to dread falling back into a gaping black hole? What is this pain that locks both my knees? Cramping them tight in a vice-like freeze Legs crippled by spastic braces Gripped with terror of Medusa like faces Tight jaws clamped over rage unspent Neck restricted, not saying what was meant Muscles tensed, too scared to rest Hyper alert ready to face the next test Stomach jammed not ready to let go Multiple gripes too frightened to show Boulders crushing down on a sad, heavy chest Gasping for breath, not eased by rest Wading through treacle, legs like lead A once glamorous life that now is a dread What is this terror hidden so deep That paralyses my child so she just weeps and weeps? Where was my face beneath the perfect masks
Blinded by promises of stardom Washed away as water wears out a stone Deaf to the little girl’s pleas to come home I’m sorry I never heard your sweet voice There was so much to do and no time to listen I’m sorry I left you behind for so long Starved inside, never singing your song But there’s plenty of time for us to start again So many ways we can get re-acquainted It’s like pandora’s box as we explore anew What a romance we can have – me and you We can wiggle our toes in the sinking sand And scream at the top of our voices We can giggle at the silliest of things And marvel at the magic of butterfly wings We can lick the remains in the chocolate cake bowl Perhaps we’ll dress up as a clown We could take a ride on a merry-go-round Search for Easter eggs buried in the ground I’ve never had such a special friend Full of wild ideas and exciting plans I can tune into you for all of my needs Like a personal reminder not to get lost in deeds I will cherish our secret and keep you so safe I can’t imagine life without you I thank God for the little girl I’ve found Who shows me life is an adventure playground When you came to my bed, the light in my eyes died
I left my body and travelled far and wide A brilliant strategy allowing a necessary escape A temporary band aid masking the shock of rape It’s been so long, I’m longing to return I’ve missed so much, was frightened that I’d burn Please hold me so tight and preciously tender Allow me to risk reclaiming my gender I gave birth to two children, unaware of my womb My yoni, my breasts I must salvage from the tomb It’s my birth-right to be nourished by safe, gentle touch It’s my dream to be re-united so life won’t be ‘too much’ I’ve had my first taste of Mother’s unconditional embrace I’m blessed to ‘remember’ the Goddess’s face My body is my temple, it’s wounds my salvation When I honour this truth, I find destiny and creation Please help me to have faith in this welcome birth To relinquish the shame and replace it with mirth It’s time for embodiment with a nervous system at peace And to marvel at the grace that’s allowed for this release I forgot who I was altogether
The drug they used was the best I went to sleep for thirty nine years Felt no pain, just anaesthetised fears Invisible deprivation, no trail, no verdict Brainwashed from the start, all memories erased Programmed as a superstar, the family heroine Desperate to achieve, driven to win Sleeping Beauty, awoken by an unwelcome prince A prince of fatigue and breakdown Kissed by exhaustion and bodily pain Coming alive to myself despite being lame But without any drugs the withdrawal is agony Thirty nine years of betraying myself A lifetime of emotions kept locked away A pressure cooker near exploding night and day Being with myself hurts too much I’m like a panicked ball of terror A murky lake where in entering I’ll drown Can I dive that deep to retrieve my crown? It’s like open surgery with no anaesthesia Sometimes the trauma needs filtering But the time has come to surrender and let go To have faith in my path and to go with the flow Please help me to dive for the pearls so deep To celebrate my birth and awakening Please love and nurture this fragile new space So with your support I can see God’s grace I want to stop obsessing about you and your life
I need to come home to me I want to stop believing that without you I’m nothing I need to come home to me I want to be sure I won’t die from this pain I need to come home to me I want to have a reason to live if you’re not the centre of my life I need to come home to me Can I survive the blind terror that grips me And still come home to me? Can I dare to grieve my ocean of tears And still come home to me? Can I mend my heart which is broken in pieces And still come home to me? Can I let you go to live your life And still come home to me? I want to be brave, to stand tall and strong I must come home to me I want to show the children I’m not dependent and weak I must come home to me I want to find an anchor from a place deep inside I must come home to me I want to be whole even if I’m on my own I must come home to me You’re my brother, my father, my soul mate and lover We’ve travelled a lifetime together I love you with a passion, from the depths of my soul Without you in my life, there is a gaping black hole But we both need to find ourselves first, to know who we are To live our own truths, to dare to be apart I’m trusting to God that if I let you go That our love won’t die but has a chance to truly grow I’m in a loveless relationship, starved and alone Emotionally abandoned, I want to go home I’m regressed and tiny, contracted and raw I’m disgusted, hopeless, trapped like a whore I don’t know how to get out, I’m paralysed in a rut Can’t imagine the options, kicked in the gut Breathing shut down, no freedom of choice Gagged and bound, paralysed, no voice You must speak up for me, I can’t do it on my own I’m way too young, frozen , not fully grown I’m without words, immobilised, shocked and tired Panicked and helpless yet permanently wired Don’t leave it any longer or I’ll die this time Waiting for a saviour when you are my life line I can’t take much more, you’ve been gone too long Wake up, be my mother, please help me to belong |
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